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Handling Colleague-Related Stress – Part I
by Michael McElhenie PhD, Senior Associate Dynamic Results
In every workplace and culture, we see that difficult social situations are major causes of workplace stress. Though it may seem that this stress comes from certain difficult people, we observe that everyone involved can have certain relationship patterns that contribute to this stress. Every one of us has some potential for very effective as well as some extremely counter-productive behavior patterns.
Based on the work of Stephen Karpman, the following table illustrates three types of “difficult people” and the kind of drama they exhibit in relating to their life challenges.
DRAMA |
POTENTIAL BEHAVIORS |
| Persecutor |
Full Blast Attack
Highly aggressive, confrontational, angry, loud, demanding and “in-your-face” |
Just Kidding
Sarcastic, rude, demeaning, kicks you when you’re down and attempts to make people look foolish |
Subtle Sabotage
Engages in negative gossip, sets people up to fail, passes blame, apathetic |
|
| Victim |
Avoid, Avoid
Persistent procrastination, over-commits, frequently “paralyzed,” often resentful |
Hyper-Critical
Speaks of futility, hopelessness, the wasting of time, says “no” to nearly everything |
Misery Loves Company
Overwhelmed by all challenges, loves misery, is a perfectionist, sees everything as a problem |
|
| Rescuer |
Super-Fixer
Swoops in confidently to “save the day,” intrusive, yet helpful, believes others are powerless -- “poor them” |
Martyr Madness
Says “yes” to nearly everything, over-commits, often with underlying feelings of resentfulness |
Distraction Action
Prone to “zoning out,” prefer to divert attention when times get rough, focused on tangential issues |
|
We believe that to successfully deal with such behaviors, the solution must start with someone taking personal responsibility for finding a way to restore focus, and we’re suggesting that this person is you.
In learning to recognize these dramas, you are on your way to becoming part of the solution. We firmly believe that the only behavior anyone can change is their own. So, as opposed to trying to change the other person’s attitude, why not shift your pattern and increase the likelihood of a successful outcome? In changing your role, you open up to more effective ways of relating to others.
Putting your relationships on a new footing may require some changes in your own behavior. Should this be the case and you need a starting point, here are two suggestions:
- Always observe impartially what’s happening, both internally and externally. This creates distance. Distance increases awareness, and increased awareness gives you leverage. Manifest this leverage by participating in a simple, direct and non-confrontational way.
- Stay objective and keep your focus on the issues; stay far away from the charted behaviors and always model the behavior you want to see in others.
In our next issue, we will outline more of the functional aspects of working through these dramas.
We will appreciate any feedback you care to offer.
Michael McElhenie PhD
Senior Associate
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