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Anger At Work

by Elaine Siciliano Morris

Responding to a disrespectful child. Dealing with an employee who went too far. Saying no to someone who insists you should do what they want. Disagreeing with the rest of your team. At work, and at home there are situations that spark strong emotions and push us to the point of saying things we may later regret.

Knowing how to use emotions is critical to leadership success. In this article we will focus on anger – one of the most difficult emotions to handle, particularly in the workplace. Here is my perspective on this sometimes confusing emotion.

Anger is a legitimate feeling – not bad in itself. Anger, like all emotions, is a signal. It sends a message to you about reality (or a perception) that something or someone has harmed or hurt you in some way. Perhaps someone has insulted you or otherwise crossed a boundary. This could be a broken agreement or the way someone spoke to, or about, you. Something has happened that sends that signal of mistrust or a breach in a relationship. It is often accompanied by bodily sensations like a surge of energy, tightness in the chest, a rise in body temperature, a “flushed” feeling, or a wide opening of eyes. Anger even registers on our faces if we allow it. When it works as it should, we are compelled towards action. Everything in our body is telling us to move; that is the mechanism of protection. Your anger is telling you to stand up for yourself or address an issue.

Anger is normal in organizational life. Work involves many opportunities for conflict, and the better you are able to deal with it, the more power you will exhibit. In fact, to the extent that you cannot handle anger, you will be unable to lead others, create trust on your teams or solve problems. Leaders experience anger in many situations. The more important and personal the situation, the more intensely the person will feel the anger. For example:

• A person you trust betrays you
• An employee makes a serious mistake with a client that results in lost business
• You have discussed problematic behavior with another and she continues to do it, despite previous commitments to change
• A co-worker dominates meetings with long stories that derail your team’s agenda
• A peer regularly fails to respond to your emails on a timely basis
• A promise is repeatedly broken with a variety of excuses
• A vendor charges you far more than was quoted

Anyone who has been in leadership has probably experienced these, or similar, examples. They are often unavoidable. Here is what can happen when anger is dismissed or minimized.

Relationships Suffer
The feeling of anger helps you discern what happened and what got triggered. That is the beginning of the process of responding appropriately to the reality at hand. When we are not in touch with our anger, we obsess about the event or person; and it can eat us alive. Even worse, it can lead us to false assumptions and damaging conclusions.

For example, I worked with a business executive who felt frustrated with his boss. He felt that his boss was not providing adequate information or direction and was unavailable and distant. The executive felt isolated and frustrated. As we discussed it, his anger began to bubble up. In his mind, his boss didn’t care about him, was oblivious to the challenges he was facing and was more interested in working with his other direct reports. My client was certain, in fact, that he was about to get canned. He was talking to recruiters and looking elsewhere, assuming his boss did not value him. After some time, he finally talked honestly with his boss, voiced his concerns and asked his boss to clarify his expectations. He found that his boss valued his work tremendously. After that discussion, he requested that he and his boss meet once a week for 30 minutes to go over current projects and stay in touch. His boss agreed and their relationship became more connected and productive. My client learned that his boss did not place a high value on communication, but this was not personal. He now manages their relationship successfully and regularly speaks up for what he needs.

Teams Lack Trust
In a popular business book, The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, Patrick Lencioni espouses the idea that the foundation of effective teamwork is trust. After 25 years of working with teams, I couldn’t agree more. He goes further to prove that the foundation for all trust is the team’s ability to address and resolve conflict. In some organizations, “conflict” is code for ANGER.

I worked with one team who could not get through a meeting without raising their voices and calling each other names. They rarely made progress resolving their issues. Another team I worked with had very civilized, even friendly, meetings. However, the CEO reported after one of our meetings that several leaders came to him privately to complain about their peers. The first team learned to air their difficulties without attacking or blaming. The second team had the more challenging work of facing one another individually, eye to eye, and admitting the resentment that had been brewing. Peer to peer accountability is far more effective than asking the team leader to resolve it for you.

Teams who learn how to express their differences and take responsibility for their emotional responses grow closer; this closeness pays off in collaboration, innovation, customer service and talent retention.

• Recommended books on this topic:

Primal Leadership, Daniel Goleman
Difficult Conversations, The Harvard Project
Non-Violent Communication, Marshall Rosenberg
The Assertiveness Workbook, Randy J. Paterson

“What truly matters in our lives is measured through our conversation.”
- Peter Block, author Stewardship

“This is part of what I consider dialogue—for people to realize what is on each other’s minds without coming to any conclusions or judgments. In a dialogue we have to sort of weigh the question a little, ponder it a little, feel it out.”
- Daivd Bohm, author On Dialogue

“Real communication happens when people feel safe.”
- Ken Blanchard, author, One Minute Manager

About the Author: Elaine Siciliano Morris is a senior consultant with Dynamic Results, specializing in “C” level executive coaching and organizational change. Contact Elaine by phone at 214 742-1403 x114 or by email: emorris@dynamicresults.com.

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